All rise for ya boy, Judge Sean, who presides
Calling the case of 867-5309 #DickLies,
It’s time to decide if being funny is a crime

You may now be seated as we’re about to begin
to find out if it’s a contest and if anyone can win
Defendant Masterson, please no drinking in court
Your Honor, you have the floor

Your Honour, I present to you one side of the debate &
In this envelope is what I think but make no mistake
Dick said he was my friend but it was only just pretend
Remember when I said the show was never gonna end?

He never showed gratitude for any of the snacks
and it's a fact he never once gave thanks
And he showed signs that he even took the time
To read my brief 30,000 word show outline

Your honour, I'm no armchair psychologist
But I have it on good authority that Dick's a rape apologist
I promise you that Dick lies, he still has the w9's
How many more out of context clips do I need to find?

He blames it all on me, says I’m the podcast killer
But we all know he just did it for the fans and the skrilla
Wait, did he say he’s not a copyright police?
Copyright puh-lease, they’re mine to release

(All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt
(if Dick lies) make no mistake
(All rise) all my homies in the gallery
(It’s time) all my players on the bench
(to decide) all my haters taking shots
(if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies

Your honour, please believe me when I say
I stayed up for days to write a script to explain
Exactly how this big swingin’ Dick is a lying little prick
With incompatible values that just make me sick

I just wanted to see, if I could possibly
Convince my ex to try a little polyamory
Maybe see if she would like to go to fuck parties with me
Turn dinner for two into a party of three

And Jane Doe, I confess, well it’s kinda complex
Your honour, please, I beg you, it’s been years since i’ve had sex
The unimaginable stress, is causing me to obsess
And send text after text to my ex, you see

Dick has done nothing but cause me great pain
With his never ending targeted harassment campaign
And He’s done much worse, I got a nucular motherlode
But you can take my word for it, ‘cause I’m taking the high road

(All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt
(if Dick lies) make no mistake
(All rise) all my homies in the gallery
(It’s time) all my players on the bench
(to decide) all my haters taking shots
(if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies

Now I don’t wanna ruin reputations
With lies, implications and bald allegations
But Dick isn’t the wingman of our nation
And he’s got a pile of coke in his basement!

But Your Honour, all of this is really just the setting
For the grander crime of hitting on my Ex at a wedding
She was my property and Dick allegedly took her home
And gave me terminal Chump Syndrome

Dick was in UCB because of me
Dick has a podcast now because of me
He even has a girl and a house on a hill and
It’s all thanks to me “How’s that for irony?”
So where's my thanks huh, where's my gratitude?
I get no acknowledgements or even empty platitudes
I just wanna be left alone. All i get is attitude.
Fuck him and fuck the fans. I'm done dude.

(All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt, now
(if Dick lies) make no mistake
(All rise) court is adjourned
(It’s time) and everybody’s gone home
(to decide) patreon dot com
(if Dick lies) Asterios


(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies
(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) Dick didn’t lie