The Dick Show Album

by The Dick Show

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Downloading the full album will give you 3 short "Dick Clips" skits, a PDF companion "booklet" with art from @CalloftheDeep, and a ~30 minute bonus voicemails track starring Dick and Sean.
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1.
Cold Open 01:43
2.
3.
4.
Brother 04:01
Dick: You are such a fucking pussy! You‟re going around talking constant shit! And lying, and implying You get on this show, and you make these accusations and then back off And lying, and implying You‟re going around saying that Asterios is a liar? And lying, and implying You go on this show and you call Asterios a liar for what? „Cause you‟re harassing him? -such a fucking pussy, man, I can hear it through the air „Cause you don‟t think, „cause you don‟t think (Pussy!) „Cause you don‟t think, „cause you don‟t think (Pussy!) „Cause you don‟t think, „cause you don‟t think „Cause you‟re lying, and implying „Cause you‟re, you‟re harassing him? Ass-harassing him? „Cause you‟re, you‟re harassing him? And lying, and implying You go on the air and you accuse someone of a horrible thing like just flat out fuckin‟ lying, and implying like it means nothing? This is a man‟s name we‟re talking about! Clegg: I have a much more compelling thing for ya, but right now i‟m on the seat of my pants, BROTHER! Well Dick, one thing that bothers me, even though – perhaps - it‟s not exactly a contradiction, is the fact that you‟re complaining about him giving away bonus episodes. Everyone was just gonna pirate those anyway, I very much doubt that there‟re very many people who were still buying the bonus episodes after the show actively died which – you killed it by the way Dick: I‟m sorry- Clegg: ...Sort of. Dick: How did- How- W-wait, woah woah woah woah woah woah. I killed the show? How is that? Clegg: Well, It‟s not entirely fair for me to say it that way. ButDick: What‟s entirely fair?! See, this is this implying shit that drives me cr- you are such a fucking pussy! Clegg: Sheesh. So Aggressive. Gosh. Such an asshole. Joe Starr: ACTUALLY BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH B-BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH B-BLAH(repeat) Clegg: Prep time! I challenge people! Alright- I directly woke upI have a much more compelling thing for ya, but right now I‟m on the seat of my pants, brother! Dick: I think there‟s something wrong with his head.
5.
Guess who's back from the bathroom, me Mikey C! Hey baby pop a pill and come follow me. I'm gonna find some pussy to get cernovich-slapped I got a mandate from my penis, now please clap. Whip out your golden titties double quick and take a trip into a magical mysterious experience Now you're in for a surprise, you won't believe your eyes So let's go through the curtain of liberal lies. Take the black pill, get jacked for real. My simian psyche is hypin me up for a fuck. Prick glistening, break the zippers conditioning. Talk dirty to me baby, like tap water from michigan, are you listening?! I'm super duper serious, I'm buzzing like asterios on five bags of blow, grabbing girls at a burlesque show If words are magic, I'm a wizard, here's a hat-trick Three little words bitch, suck my fat dick! === Nice guys never make first place So come and get a taste of my hominid headspace I'm a real piece of shit yeah, but I know you fucking love it I'm an alpha K-selected, with my new primate perspective Bitch, I'm the truth, I'm the light, I'm a god, I'm the right, I'm the alt, I'm the gibbon gestalt so come and play the pieces are in place, the table's set I got gorilla mindset bitch you aint seen nothing yet === Humanity is fading. We're succumbing to depravity but marmoset mentality can make your wildest fantasy become an actuality, a shiny new reality. It only costs your family, your salary your sanity Pop open the bottle and take a pill or two or three and see how life is better when you're not mentally atrophied We'll backflip through time and space and enter a place where rules are an illusion and there's no such thing as rape I'm spitting straight fire and saliva on this mic my haters call me names but they can call me what they like a lecherous sexist, reckless racist, logic escapist a deviant sadist and a degenerate rapist without any basis Declassify the files and see the truth behind Detoxify your mind and filter out the lies Decalcify your third eye and sing it loud GAS THE SHILLS, PILLS WAR NOW!
6.
Dick: I must’ve been... Five or six years old. Sitting in the back of the BMW, and I remember everything about it. Like I remember having my favourite toy with me on the seat, like a brand new Optimus Prime... The metal one, too, man My Dad jumps out of the car, at the- at the intersection! And I remember him - in one of these paw-swipes – grabbing my Optimus Prime and launching it like a fucking rocket, like a trebuchet, launching it behind him And at that moment, I could see my metal Optimus Prime – brand new! Never been played with at all! – skipping across the asphalt thinking “NO!” (No, please God no!) Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon - I will be one with the Matrix Dick: I remember, it was sweltering hot, so he takes the family out for shaved ice. ‘Cause m’Dad loves the shaved ice. We were about to pull out of this little strip mall, shopping centre in Scottsdale, Arizona and he pulls up to make a left. He was cruising up, and getting a little goosey on the speed, and before I could even realise what was happening, I see the shaved ice just flying out of my hand in slow-motion all over the brand new car. And I’m thinking: “Oh fuck.” Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon - I will be one with the Matrix Dick: Too shocked... to cry
7.
Piss Track 01:58
8.
9.
System: Urgent message from Emperor Pentax Cpt. Asterios “Robin Hood” Kokkinos: Buh-buh-buh-buh, ummm... Pentax: I can’t wait to catch that Robin Hood, and turn him into my sexual slave! Asterios: ...Alright. System: Core temperature: Critical Asterios: God damnit! System: Mission failure imminent Asterios: Hmm. System: Mission: Critical Helmsman Dick: ASTERIOOOS! Chef P’Nache: H’We-he-he-hell, mission failure imminent? I haven’t seen a plasma core breach this hot since [indecipherable “French”] Engineer Sean: Oh yeah? P’Nache: Y’all gonna sink this ship into the bayou. Sean: Uh huh. P’Nache: [laughs in French] Plasma core breach. Sean: Yeah. System: Mission failure imminent Asterios: ‘Kay. System: Mission: Critical Asterios: Yeah, that’s real good. Call 911 now, that’d be great. TECHNO SONG Can I do this without saying “the system is down”? TECHNO SONG I guess I can’t. The system is down. TECHNO SONG Robin Hood type- type stuff. How ‘bout that? TECHNO SONG There you go. Movin’ back, now we need... TECHNO SONG I don’t know, how many times has this happened to you? TECHNO SONG Thirty thousand dollars to make... System: Urgent message from Emperor Pentax Pentax: Why can’t I be more like Robin Hood? I’m not wearing pants under these robes. Asterios: ‘Kay. Sean: I’m done. Asterios: Let’s see... Warp 9! System: Warp 9! Asterios: Warp 10! System: Warp 50! Asterios: -Okay! System: Mission failure imminent Asterios: Well, these things happen. Let’s get- let’s get back to this. System: Mission: Critical Asterios: Hey- oh. I thought it was Aciou. It’s early. P’Nache: H’We-he-he-hell. The le bayou. She gon’ come for you she-ah. Asterios: Alright? P’Nache: Le bayou, Billy. Asterios: Alright. P’Nache: [Indecipherable] Asterios: ...Alright. System: Core temperature: Critical Asterios: Let’s get back to this. System: Mission failure imminent Asterios: I’m the guy! I’m your go-to guy! System: Mission: Critical Asterios: I’m tryna-sphf I’m tryna get shit goin’ here. TECHNO SONG Can I do this without saying “the system is down”? TECHNO SONG I guess I can’t. The system is down. TECHNO SONG Robin Hood type- type stuff. How ‘bout that? TECHNO SONG Red alert! Reddest of alerts! Red alert! Red alert! TECHNO SONG Red alert! Red alert! Not yellow not green TECHNO SONG Red alert, it’s time for redalert! Oh shi- Dick: ASTERIOOOS! System: Urgent message from Sheriff of Nottingham Asterios: Oh, you SOB’s... Sheriff: What about me, the Sheriff? I’m in love with you, Robin! Asterios: Could you like, disappear forever? Sheriff: Robin Hood: one. Sheriff of Nottingham: zero-woah-woah-woaaah! Asterios: God damn it! System: Mission failure imminent Asterios: Hmm.. Warp 10! System: Warp 50 Asterios: Alright System: Mission: Critical Asterios: Warp 50! System: Warp a million! Asterios: Yea-hea-heaaaaah! (manic laughter) System: Redalertredalertredalertredalertredalert Pentax: (I'll get you Robin Hood!) Dick: Wooaah, you fucked up. You fucked up. We're going at thousands, tens of thousands of miles an hour! Ludicrous speed! TECHNO SONG System: Mission failure imminent TECHNO SONG Mission: Critical TECHNO SONG Core Temperature: Critical TECHNO SONG Asterios: We got a lot of that, what else can we do? TECHNO SONG We got pretty good drops. now we need TECHNO SONG 'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBERDEMON! Yea-hea-heaaaaah!
10.
More Booze 04:11
Dick: Here’s what makes me a rage… When I’ve gone through all the booze There’s no thing for a man to do When it’s during the day I think I can drink more Than at night When the sun is out it doesn’t count When the sun is out Drink more drink more More booze, booze More booze, booze, booze Dick: Appropriating culture, booze drinking When I’ve gone through all the booze There’s no thing for a man to do (no thing) There’s no thing More booze Drink more booze (x3) (Drink/More/Booze) “Drink. Drink. Drink. More Booze!” Coach: Well.. You’d spark up a blunt, and I recommend indica. More booze Drink more booze (x3) (Drink/More/Booze) Dick: I have a hangover that’s so bad. The hangover is so all encompassing. I finally feel at one. The equilibrium between mental anguish and physical anguish are equal. It feels good. I finally feel at one (I feel really good).” “Alcohol is like a woman you’ve banged your whole life. I know just how to get her there. Walk that liquor right to the edge. Finger that liquor right. You pull off, you get her to do stuff, you get exactly what you need. That’s the liquor you take home; you need to be faithful to that one liquor. To romance multiple liquors at the same time, no man has that in him. You gotta romance one liquor, that’s the secret.” Drink, Drink, Drink More Booze! More Booze, Drink More Booze! More Booze, Drink More Booze! Drink more, drink more, drink more booze Drink more, drink more drink more (liquor)
11.
All Night 04:20
Dick, can you help me please ‘cause I want to bang all the girls Make love to them just right I might have an average dick but I think I can do it If you can guide my hips Don’t worry kid, ‘cause I’ve got you So listen close, here’s the truth Just let that broad know you like her shoes And she’ll show you the goods All night, All night, All night! Me and you, all night, all night, all night, all night Dick can you help me out ‘cause I just don’t know how to score And I’m thirsty for some whores They say you know a trick that will make all the girls wet It’s not a scam, is it? Hey idiot, you oughta know How to play and what to say Just take her arm and hold her tight And whisper ”what’s your dad like?” Send me on a quest to bring some pussy to your party And I’ll come back three bags full. I’ve got something for everybody I’m a little bit like Willy Wonka but instead of chocolate its pussy and i’m kinda like Scrooge McDuck but it’s ya see it’s pussy instead of money! Me and you, all night, all night, all night, all night
12.
Larry: This here’s a tale ‘bout a couple folks named Dick and Maddox. Now, Dick was a dick, but Maddox? Well, he was something else... Well Dick and Maddox used to host a show I kinda liked They’d yell about some stupid shit and get into a fight Apples, boxes, cucks and dogs, earthquakes fries and the rest But they also had a super-loud unexpected guest See, there was another man in town, his name Asterios A boisterous man without a plan, he would join in with his bros and who could forget The Man in Black, as handsome as he’s high and Randy with his airhorn, boy, the show was quite a sight But on one fateful winter’s night the show would fall apart Woah-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Woah-oh-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Larry: Those boys sure did bring in an awful lot of problems but the real problems had only just begun... Ya see, Maddox had a way that he would treat his lady friends While Dick, he loved to play the fool, it was always just pretend But Maddox had a different way of going about things While Asterios was a sneaky Greek, he was no Armenian Maddox’s temper was known to be a little combustible and he even tried to stump the man we all knew was unstumpable So when Dick allegedly took a girl that Maddox used to know Maddox lost his Goddamn mind and started to explode Nothin’ was the same since then, and soon the show was no more... Woah-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Woah-oh-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Larry: So Dick left, and never looked back. Larry: Dick found himself with adoring fans who bought him a house. While Maddox’s days are numbered: two if you count the cow’s. Woah-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Woah-oh-oh-oh it was the biggest problem in the universe Larry: But while the Ballad may be over, The real Goss has just begun...
13.
#DickLies 08:52
All rise for ya boy, Judge Sean, who presides Calling the case of 867-5309 #DickLies, It’s time to decide if being funny is a crime You may now be seated as we’re about to begin to find out if it’s a contest and if anyone can win Defendant Masterson, please no drinking in court Your Honor, you have the floor Your Honour, I present to you one side of the debate & In this envelope is what I think but make no mistake Dick said he was my friend but it was only just pretend Remember when I said the show was never gonna end? He never showed gratitude for any of the snacks and it's a fact he never once gave thanks And he showed signs that he even took the time To read my brief 30,000 word show outline Your honour, I'm no armchair psychologist But I have it on good authority that Dick's a rape apologist I promise you that Dick lies, he still has the w9's How many more out of context clips do I need to find? He blames it all on me, says I’m the podcast killer But we all know he just did it for the fans and the skrilla Wait, did he say he’s not a copyright police? Copyright puh-lease, they’re mine to release (All rise) Everybody on your feet (It’s time) no time to waste (to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt (if Dick lies) make no mistake (All rise) all my homies in the gallery (It’s time) all my players on the bench (to decide) all my haters taking shots (if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch (All rise) All rise (It’s time) ‘cause it’s time (to decide) to decide (if Dick lies) if Dick lies Your honour, please believe me when I say I stayed up for days to write a script to explain Exactly how this big swingin’ Dick is a lying little prick With incompatible values that just make me sick I just wanted to see, if I could possibly Convince my ex to try a little polyamory Maybe see if she would like to go to fuck parties with me Turn dinner for two into a party of three And Jane Doe, I confess, well it’s kinda complex Your honour, please, I beg you, it’s been years since i’ve had sex The unimaginable stress, is causing me to obsess And send text after text to my ex, you see Dick has done nothing but cause me great pain With his never ending targeted harassment campaign And He’s done much worse, I got a nucular motherlode But you can take my word for it, ‘cause I’m taking the high road (All rise) Everybody on your feet (It’s time) no time to waste (to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt (if Dick lies) make no mistake (All rise) all my homies in the gallery (It’s time) all my players on the bench (to decide) all my haters taking shots (if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch (All rise) All rise (It’s time) ‘cause it’s time (to decide) to decide (if Dick lies) if Dick lies Now I don’t wanna ruin reputations With lies, implications and bald allegations But Dick isn’t the wingman of our nation And he’s got a pile of coke in his basement! But Your Honour, all of this is really just the setting For the grander crime of hitting on my Ex at a wedding She was my property and Dick allegedly took her home And gave me terminal Chump Syndrome Dick was in UCB because of me Dick has a podcast now because of me He even has a girl and a house on a hill and It’s all thanks to me “How’s that for irony?” So where's my thanks huh, where's my gratitude? I get no acknowledgements or even empty platitudes I just wanna be left alone. All i get is attitude. Fuck him and fuck the fans. I'm done dude. (All rise) Everybody on your feet (It’s time) no time to waste (to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt, now (if Dick lies) make no mistake (All rise) court is adjourned (It’s time) and everybody’s gone home (to decide) patreon dot com (if Dick lies) Asterios (All rise) All rise (It’s time) ‘cause it’s time (to decide) to decide (if Dick lies) if Dick lies (All rise) All rise (It’s time) ‘cause it’s time (to decide) to decide (if Dick lies) Dick didn’t lie
14.
Next Tuesday 03:08
15.
GFY 03:41
Hey everybody, Dick Masterson here. Y’know, we’ve had a lot of fun on this album –- maybe too much fun. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with this world, there’s too much fun and peace and love and understanding. Maybe what we really need is to give hate a chance. That’s why I’d like to send a special message to all you listeners and non-listeners All you Patreonis and non-Patreonis and especially any of you bald ass-blasted Armenian cucks out there who currently have a half-a-billion-dollar lawsuit against me. From me to you, it’s a very special: Go fuck yourself To the ladies, and the fellas and the gender-dysmorphically jealous To the shitty moms, and the shitty dads and the shitty kids who will do just as bad To everyone who gets a drink and stands at the bar and everyone who gets behind the wheel of a car Go fuck yourself Cock-blockers (cock-blockers) Low talkers (low talkers) Slow walkers (slow walkers) Ex stalkers (ex stalkers) Liberals, the war on drugs Creepy guys who give Peach too long a hugs Cucks on twitter who can’t take a joke Patreon.com/asterios Go fuck yourself Song lyrics. Heh, fuckin’ song lyrics. Song lyrics are garbage poetry. Okay? They’re garbage poetry written by teenage attention whores for teenage attention whores, consisting mostly of references to primary colours and primary emotions, with less wisdom than a fortune cookie, but somehow you put that to a chord progression and sing it like your dick is made of magic beans and everyone will jack themselves off stupid to it. But still, with all that, they’re impossible to write. Song lyrics, go fuck yourself. Phony lollers (phony lollers) Scratchy collars (scratchy collars) Manlet Internet Scholars Lying (we got lying) Implying (and implying) Every kid in the world when they’re crying Coaches who run late, Dustin and his loot crates Anyone who doesn’t believe in Pizzagate Go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself if you work in customer service Go fuck yourself and the government Go fuck yourself Also, attractive atheletes. Any attractive athletes out there? Fuck you man. Didn’t you- Didn’t you get enough? In the genetic lottery? You need more? You need all the- You need all the women. Just a couple’s not too g- Go fuck yourself Also, too much guacamole. You have to eat it. You don’t have a choice, it’s there, you have to eat it. And your appetite’s fucked. You just end up cramming A $40 dinner down your throat like you’re a Play-Doh Fun Factory of shit and try not to think of the loaf of shit kicking out the back of your rectum. Also, people with standing desks. Man, what is the matter with you? That you had to make work - You took a nice job sitting there at a computer, and you made it about exercise. Fuck you.

about

The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage-based podcast, and this is the Official™ The Dick Show Album, featuring the work of TDS Community artists Wauterboi, Lakembra, Samglaze, Todd Seidel, and Aciou, starring talent from the show.

credits

released February 19, 2018

Producer: Aciou
Lakembra helped
Mixed and mastered by Samglaze at
Bad Pizza Studios, Melbourne, VIC, Australia
Cover art: Clay Burton
Liner art: @CalloftheDeep
All “Dick Clips” were produced by Samglaze and Aciou
with vocal clips of Dick Masterson and Peach Saliva
All other backing tracks by Samglaze

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The Dick Show

The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage-based podcast.

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